mind over matter, a dangerous matter

I’ve always had a weird “mind over matter” ability. It takes a lot for a substance to affect me. Caffeine barely ever works, and I can psyche myself out of being drunk or high to a pretty large extent. When I’ve had as much to drink as a friend who’s falling over on top of me, I can sober up instantly and take care of them. In cold weather, I can usually think myself into being warm. When I am hungry, I can make myself feel full. My sense of smell is almost entirely thought. I’m very bad at smelling things, but I very easily imagine that I’m smelling what’s in my thoughts.

This whole concept also exists on a higher level. I can psyche myself out of almost any desire I have, no matter how significant. Some of it is conscious, but at a certain point, after I’ve made a series of similar conscious decisions, my subconscious starts to take over the decisions for me.

For a long time I’ve enjoyed this ability. I thought of the mind as a higher being than the body, and the body as a trap for the mind. But that idea has driven me mad, and led to so many confused thoughts and emotions.

I’ve wondered why I can’t seem to find truth, when truth is everywhere around me. I can see truth in the trees and the sky and the water, but I can’t see it in myself. I’ve been stuck in this paradox where my being is built of truth, but at the same I can’t find the truth inside it.
I’m realizing that I’m looking in the wrong place. I’m trying to find my own truth with hypothetical and theoretical thinking in my mind, instead of listening to my body. Instead of my mind forcing a reality on my body, my mind needs to listen to my body’s reality.

I have to stop trying to beat my own body. Any enlightenment I feel is not enlightenment if it fights what’s my body is saying. It’s easy to talk myself into devaluing my life and seeing that nothing matters, it’s all absurd, and there’s no reason to live. But this is not a valuable truth, because it contradicts everything in my body (thirst, hunger, desire, etc) that wants to live.

An enlightened truth that fights natural truth is not truth.

I'll never be able to escape my mind, and I wouldn't want to. I just can’t get lost searching for truth in my brain when truth already exists in the body surrounding it.